Friday, July 27, 2007

Does Johnny Depp do a Grecian accent?

So, in my new incarnation as recently-engaged-woman, my fiance and I (how great is it to say fiance?!?) have been invited on a number of couple-y type activities. Mainly it's just double dates and the like, but one of my fiance's friends had a much better invitation for us-- he invited us to go on a cruise around the Grecian islands this August! It's a tiny charter yacht, and only about 10 people would be going.

I know! Greece!

Now, I've never been to Greece, but I've ALWAYS wanted to go. Beautiful weather, hummus, how could you go wrong?!? BUT, as it turns out, last minute airfare to Greece in August is really, really expensive. Who knew? So, we decided not to go.But before I told my mother that we'd nixed the trip idea, she called me in a panic.

"You know, Brenda, I've been thinking about that trip to Greece," she says. "And I don't think you should go."

Now, at this point, we'd already decided not to go, but it just always tickles my fancy to hear my mother try to tell me what to do even though I'm thirty. Um. Well, you know. Ish. Thirty-ish.

"Why shouldn't we go, mom?" I ask.

"Pirates," she answers.

Pirates? Did my mother actually just say pirates? Can you really use pirates-- actual real life Johnny-Depp-type pirates-- as an argument? And more importantly, are pirates really something that we have to worry about in today's world? And, if so, does this mean that if I go on a cruise, I have to wear a corset?

Apparently, my mom thinks so. The pirates part, I mean, not the corset.

"It's not funny," she says.

"It's kind of funny," I answer.

After an extensive conversation about whether Johnny Depp looked hot in the Pirates movie (I say yes, my mom says he just looked dirty), I finally had to tell her that we decided not to go, after all. She sighed in relief but then told me that she needed to get off the phone.

Apparently, my brother and sister-in-law were considering a trip to the Caribbean.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Like the wedding guest that just wouldn't leave....

Yes, that's right, I've got even MORE wedding stories for you! I've gotten such great feedback from posting the contest winners that I thought I'd post a few more.

This one is from someone who was not brave enough to leave her name. But, it's so funny that I'm sure you won't care!

"For my second marriage, I didn't have to look far for a groom—I married a groomsman from my first wedding! So, what they say is really true: sometimes love is right in front of your eyes. Even at your own wedding."

Anytown, USA

Sunday, July 8, 2007

One more crazy wedding story!

Time for one more crazy wedding story-- my other Honorable Mention! This one comes from the lovely Heather Arthur and she affectionately calls it: Frosting Fiasco!

My story happened when I was about 12 years old. My parents have a HUGE backyard, so my aunt asked my parents if she could have her wedding and reception there. And of course, they said yes.

My grandmother use to make wedding cakes for a living, so to make things easier, she just baked the cake in my parents' kitchen. She even made the frosting from scratch!

Well, my cousin Tiffany(same age as me) and I decided to play a trick on our grandma. The frosting for the cake was in 2 big, plastic buckets and we decided that we would freak her out by taking the buckets of frosting and hiding them. Hilarious, we thought. Not so much! Tiffany and I waited until ol' granny took a bathroom break and as soon as she left the kitchen, we snatched those buckets of frosting and ran out the front door! Well, turned dad and grandpa were in the garage and saw us...buckets and all! My dad started yelling, so we ran. He went running after us! He chased us around the side yard, around the pool, and into the backyard.

That's when it happened. I went running up the deck on the back of the house and I was going to run through the door, into the kitchen and put the frosting back where I had found it. That's not how it turned out, though. I ran up the steps and on the last step, my foot got caught and I fell. The bucket of frosting flew out of my hands and into the air. Mind you, this was the middle of July so the frosting was melting. It went EVERYWHERE! All over the deck, the sliding glass door(where my aunt was going to walk out from), and not to mention, all over Tiffany and me! It was a huge mess and the whole family was so mad at us, and they made us clean it ourselves. Grandma also made us help make new frosting and help put it on the cake. Tiffany and I missed the wedding, due to having to fix the cake, but we were told it was beautiful.

Now I'm 22 and I'm getting married this October. I will make damn sure no one even gets NEAR the frosting!

Thursday, July 5, 2007

Time for the honorable mentions!

I really did get so many amazing entries to my crazy wedding story contest. It was nearly impossible to decide! Here's one that won for Honorable Mention by Bobbi Harrison. I loved this story so much. Ultimately, though, it wasn't as much of a "wedding" story as some of the others, but here it is now for your enjoyment! I call this one: Always a bridesmaid....

About a year ago, I joined a popular, Web-based singles community. Admittedly, I signed up as more of an experiment than a way to meet men. I was curious about the guys who were willing to take a shot at finding love online. Were they searching for a soul mate or just looking for another way to hook up? What about the guys in their 40s who had never been engaged or married? (Or, those in their 30s who had three ex-wives?) Were they commitmentphobes? Emotionally detached? Mamma's boys?

Arghhh, who am I to be so judgmental? I asked myself. Like many women, I have struggled with my weight and body image issues for many years. In truth, I wondered if any of the men registered on the site would find me even remotely interesting or attractive.

Soon after I submitted my profile - complete with a not-so-fat photo of myself - I had my answer. Genuinely surprised, I had received a number of e-mails from guys who wanted to get to know me.

One random evening, I checked my account and found a message from a man named Mike. He was tall and attractive, and looked sort of familiar. But after reading his profile, I couldn't imagine where we might have met. And his e-mail certainly didn't seem to indicate that he knew me. Still, I was curious. So I clicked on Mike's picture for a larger view.

When the full-sized photo opened in a new window, it revealed another man standing next to Mike. A man I definitely recognized.

Steven had been married, albeit briefly, to my niece, Tracey, who is six years younger than me. In fact, Mike's default pic had been taken at Steven and Tracey's wedding, where he had been the best man and I, at my heaviest, had been a bridesmaid. As I squinted at the photo, I swore I could see myself in the background, wearing all those yards of purple taffeta.

More than a little freaked out, I promptly cancelled my subscription to the online dating site. My experiment was complete.

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

More crazy wedding stories!

Last, but certainly not least is our third winner, the fabulous Larry Doyle.

I like to call his story "The Wedding Assasin."

For reasons that are still unclear to me, all of my wife's ex-boyfriends were invite to our wedding, while none of my ex-girlfriends were. It was nevertheless a fun party, with family, and friends, and people who banged my wife.Then came the toasts.Most of these were of theyou-had-to-be-there-to-understand-how-this-story-could-possibly-be-funny variety, until one of the wife's exes took the mike.

He was a big guy, with basset hound eyes, and a drawer full of prescriptions that were not to be taken with champagne.

He gave most of the toast directly into the glass of champagne. I can't remember the exact content of the speech, only I am fairly certain I was not mentioned. Looking down, he went on about my wife and how wonderful she was, and how sometimes she didn't realize how great she had it, and how sometimes she did things that just mad him angry...

I hadn't slept the night before, and so I was fairly certain his toast would end with him reaching into his jacket and announcing, "And I have a little present for BOTH of them..." I was actually thinking, "Okay, I'm going to shove the wife behind that table, then grab that crystal ladle."

I later discovered that one of my brothers, who was not sleep-deprived and only a little drunk, had picked up the same vibe and had started sneaking up behind the ex-boyfriend, in case he needed to be taken out.

The bloodbath was averted when another of my wife's exes put his arm around the other one, took the mike away, and announced, "So congratulations, Becky and Larry!" the lead the wedding assassin away.

Monday, July 2, 2007

Crazy wedding story contest winner!

I hope you enjoyed last week's first crazy wedding story! Our second winner is the fabulous Tongela Johnson.

Her story is a little something I like to call: "Clean up, aisle three!"

I got married on September 2, 2004, which ended up being the hottest day of the year. My wedding was outside, our guests and our wedding cake were melting. Really...the cake had to be turned around for photos because one side was completely melted.

I'm terrified of bugs and a bee got caught inside my veil during pictures. I completely lost it. I started running and ripping my veil off trying to get away from the bee. I ended up with grass stains all over my dress.

I guess I should have known my marriage was going to be HELL. I met my now ex-husband in Walmart. I keep asking them if I can have a refund.