Last, but certainly not least is our third winner, the fabulous Larry Doyle.
I like to call his story "The Wedding Assasin."
For reasons that are still unclear to me, all of my wife's ex-boyfriends were invite to our wedding, while none of my ex-girlfriends were. It was nevertheless a fun party, with family, and friends, and people who banged my wife.Then came the toasts.Most of these were of theyou-had-to-be-there-to-understand-how-this-story-could-possibly-be-funny variety, until one of the wife's exes took the mike.
He was a big guy, with basset hound eyes, and a drawer full of prescriptions that were not to be taken with champagne.
He gave most of the toast directly into the glass of champagne. I can't remember the exact content of the speech, only I am fairly certain I was not mentioned. Looking down, he went on about my wife and how wonderful she was, and how sometimes she didn't realize how great she had it, and how sometimes she did things that just mad him angry...
I hadn't slept the night before, and so I was fairly certain his toast would end with him reaching into his jacket and announcing, "And I have a little present for BOTH of them..." I was actually thinking, "Okay, I'm going to shove the wife behind that table, then grab that crystal ladle."
I later discovered that one of my brothers, who was not sleep-deprived and only a little drunk, had picked up the same vibe and had started sneaking up behind the ex-boyfriend, in case he needed to be taken out.
The bloodbath was averted when another of my wife's exes put his arm around the other one, took the mike away, and announced, "So congratulations, Becky and Larry!" the lead the wedding assassin away.